The Irony Board- 5 Most ironic Video game Genres

Wednesday 21 May 2008

Today, seeing a certain advert on the TV for the thousandath time prompted me to write this article on ironic game genres. Now, this is a game review site, but I think a lot of people get caught up in the gaminess of games and end up forgetting about this other realm of imagination--real life. As a result, developers have seen fit to enhance our lives by giving us an opportunity to just completely ignore real life, and do everything on the console.

5th most ironic video game genre:
Music sims: eg. Guitar Hero, Singstar.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love Guitar Hero: not as much as some perhaps (looking at Darkshadowfang here), but still, it's a decent game. Singstar also, is a lot of fun, especially at parties where the aim of the game is to show everyone else just how bad your voice can be, whilst singing 'Our House'.

But, where's the realism? For instance, in an online game of Call of Duty 4, one takes on the role of a team, let's take Spetsnaz (the Commies), the aim is then to pick up your weapon and shoot bullets at members of the opposing team so that they die. This, BY AND LARGE, is the objective of war, which is what CoD is attempting to capture. If Neversoft had been involved in the production of CoD 4, the objective would be still to shoot the enemy team, but you would be shooting them with, say, a microlight, or a chest of drawers.

Guitar Hero is simply Tekken with rhythm, and Singstar is how to make yourself look like the worst singer ever. Ever. Nobody wants to be good at Singstar, because that would mean being good at singing. In the same way, Guitar Hero doesn't lead you to being good at Guitar. Sure it maliciously tricks you into thinking you are by giving you the shiny Gibson Les Paul controller, but really, all it is is button bashing like Dead or Alive, or Tetris.

The really ironic bit? Well, it applies to Singstar more than Guitar Hero. But the really ironic bit is you're paying upwards of 40 GBP for something you could otherwise do for free. Sing. People have been playing Singstar for thousands of years before Sony ever existed. Oh, and, nearly forgot to mention: the X Factor Game.

4th most ironic video game genre:
Movie Franchises: eg. every single Star Wars game ever made, and Indiana Jones game, and King Kong, and Halo (you'll see), and Lord of the Rings (those are definitely not based on the books) and... well you get the idea. Any game that was originally a movie.

Movie Franchises are quintessentially poor. They form the bottom of the barrel expectancy that most experienced gamers will just avoid. There are notable exceptions to this: Star Wars have produced some excellent games, to measure up to some excellent movies. But, they've also created some games that made you want to scratch your eyes out (and Episode I). This is where the irony comes in, but not so much irony as tragedy. For instance, the Godfather. Arguably the best film ever made, was somehow the basis for a game which was shockingly horrible and something I wouldn't want to meet in an alley on a dark night.

What's the problem though? Why does it seem that the better the film, the worse the game? Well, one cold night in February I believe I stumbled across the answer. DW, Darkshadowfang and I, as well as some other mates were watching the movie Starship Troopers. A classic. A truly great movie for sci-fi. Standing aside other science fiction greats such as Star Wars, (Episodes 2 through 6), a select few of the Star Trek movies, and Alfie. However, DW brought something interesting up: everything in Halo is ripped from Starship Troopers. And I don't just meant a couple of the vehicles, and some of the plotline, I mean, you can even see the similarities in the abbreviations used. USMC (United States Marine Corps) and UNSC (United Nations Space Command). Now there's a lot of web debate about this, and I don't want to get into that, because I'm just using this to prove a point. That point is: had Halo been produced exactly the same, with just a different name, Starship Troopers, it would never have done so well. This renders movie franchises pointless, because what's the point in them being a franchise if they don't have the same name as the movie they're representing.

The only notable exception is Goldeneye. Goldeneye achieved everlasting fame for redefining the shoot-em-up genre. However, I class this as anomalous because it was made by Rare. Back in the day, Rare could have made a game about monkeys going around shooting other monkeys with bananas and it still would have been a groundbreaking, multi-million copy selling game. Oh wait... they already did that.

3rd most ironic video game genre:
Life sims: eg. the Sims, Simcity, to a lesser extent Rollercoaster Tycoon.

I owned a copy of the Sims once. But there was something about it that took the fun out. It was one of the few genres that actually struck me as being about as useful as a paper fire blanket. This is mainly because... what it was trying to let you do, unlike shoot-em-ups or RTSs, was to make you live. As in live life. As in what I was doing before I turned the computer on. This was a big problem for me when it came to buying the next expansion pack. And the next one. And the next one. And the two after that. I questioned myself. Why? I asked, should I spend good money on an another expansion pack when I can do more or less anything on there in Real Life? I can set fire to the hob, I can go out and buy a new outfit which makes me look like a jogger all the time. But most importantly, I can cook Mac and Cheese in under 5 minutes. It takes me the same amount of actual time to cook Mac and Cheese in Real Life, as it does to cook it on the game. And what the fuck do I get out of waiting for my mini-me to cook it on the game? Where is my daily nutrition? How can I enjoy the taste? When I wait for it, at least I get something out of it.

And this is the important point: the Sims has lost the point of gaming. Gaming is not to give the gamer a chance to live the life he is already living. But, instead, to blow shit up. To do something absolute fucking crazy, like drive around Silverstone at 20 mph under the speed of light. What the hell is the point of a game where your own life is more interesting?

2nd most ironic video game genre:
Sports games: eg. FIFA ('24-'08), Madden etc.

Don't encourage us developers! Dear god! Before sports games existed, there was a chance that occasionally we might go outside and play some football, maybe a game of rugby, maybe, for the more adventurous gamer, even a trip down to the gym. But now? Why risk that small chance of getting worn out? Now we can do it all on the screen. I can (if I owned any of these games) play a selection of cricket, ice hockey, croquet and football without having to move from my bed (actually, I do have to take my cover off to reach the console though; that's a constant problem for me). And, as we all know, every single gamer in the world is pale and a few stone overweight, so this is a problem. I can already get Dominos delievered to my door, where's the incentive to leave bed now?

The point is. Sports games... they, so I hear, represent something that is actually physically possible for us to do. And not just this, but physically possible for us to do at a much cheaper price than the 40 GBP needed to buy NBA. But we do not. And this is not the developer's fault, they pander to our needs and tastes. But I'm gonna blame them anyway. IT'S YOUR FAULT THE WORLD IS FAT.

The most ironic video game genre of all time, ever:
Wii Fit. Eg. Wii Fit.

It's not just me is it? But the Wii Fit is a complete contradiction in terms. I mean, you don't own a Wii to get Fit. You own a treadmill to get fit. Or a yoga mat to get fit. Or you put down the fucking fork. So where exactly does the Wii Fit fit in the world of video games? Because somehow it does. The game's been out for ages, and yet it's still being sold out everywhere. So what am I missing? Please someone tell me, because this has me stumped. Why are people out there buying a Wii Fit? I'm not saying I'm completely right here because I clash with public gamer opinion, but I just can't see the reason for it.

And it's not just this. the board has a maximum weight of 165 kg. !!! What kind of self-respecting gamer weighs under 165 kg? And it was the Wii Fit advert that lead me to write this article

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Article Posted: Wednesday 21 May 2008 at 02:06.
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